Writing

All I have left are words as compensation

All I have left are words as compensation. (1).png

I sucked at writing before, my love, and I still don’t write well

But now, I’ve got words inside me

so many

so many words

waiting to be poured out like a waterfall, to be let out from behind an invisible barrier acting as a dam

to be said.

 

We were a crescendo, building up very fast

so very fast

I was afraid and wanted to slow down but it wasn’t possible, was it? We fell into each other and I wondered if you’d catch me before I crash.

But you were right there, arms outstretched, giving me faith and belief.

Every laugh of yours, every touch gave me chills and made blood flow through my veins newly

As if I was discovering myself for the first time as I was discovering you

As you were coveting me

I smile, remembering our first moments together

And others in between

Small memories which bring a flutter of happiness from inside me even though I’m sitting alone in my room

Which make me blush while walking in busy streets

Which make me turn pink for the first time when my friends tease me

We were a crescendo of notes and words, making such music

We were.

Somehow, almost at the top, we halted for a minute

And came back down.

Spiraled down, our hands losing grip

All I could hear was the wind as it went past us, as we fell back in such a fast pace

A few minutes was all it took

A few messages

A few said words

And just like that we were two again.

I keep wondering what went wrong, how we went from talking all day long one day and breaking up the next

I still wonder why you brought it up, darling

I make excuses and reasons on your behalf in my head but I suppose I will never know

Our music stopped in the middle of a short note

Abrupt enough to put me into shock for a while

But it doesn’t matter anymore

None of my hurt or thoughts matter because you are happy

You are happy, and I guess it’s because of her

I feel glad to see you smile and laugh and not cracked inside like me

But the crack inside me opens up just a bit more every time I see you two together

Every time I find a glimpse of how we were

Every time you hold her hand

hug her tight

put your arm over her shoulder

And I just turn away

unable to bear it but unable to say anything about the metaphorical band-aids I try to stick onto the cracks on my heart

In the end, maybe I should thank you

For making words bubble up inside me again

To want to pour out

Only,

you won’t ever find a trace of them.

 

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6 thoughts on “All I have left are words as compensation

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