Writing

Pinpricks

Pinpricks.png

Oh, darling, do you even have the slightest idea what goes through me every time I see you now? I become elated for a fraction of a second before remembering that you are not mine anymore. I shouldn’t be looking for your face in a crowd; I shouldn’t look twice at someone else just because the colour of their shirt matches yours today.

I shouldn’t.

It would hurt more and more and more and I’ll bring myself down so much that I start to pull back from the world. I shouldn’t—because I know you don’t care.

There are several pinpricks in my heart now. Every time I see you with her, a few more small holes open up and start to trickle invisible blood of pain. I’m bleeding out slowly slowly slowly and you don’t even realise it as you smile and hug her right in front of me.

I was afraid of giving you my heart in fear that you would smash it, but I was finally starting to trust you; and you ran out of patience. Somewhere between you proclaiming your love for me and the words coming out of my mouth; when I was reaching out and handing over my heart to you, you drifted away and I was left standing there with my heart, now beating very slowly as if in shock, mocking me. I only watched when I saw you with her the next day. My heart only started trickling from those few small holes.

It hurts. I feel a small jab, a few tiny pricks every time and its oh, so hard to continue smiling and laughing and seem fine when I’m anything but. Sometimes I want to let out my feelings, and tell it to you, pour out everything inside me but the same thought holds me back. You won’t catch me as I fall. Is there a point of jumping?

This once, I wish I was selfish. So I could blame you, hate her, hate you and move on from this but I’m not able to, no, because I know that it was me who unintentionally let you go and the lack was in me, not you.

It’s all-the-more harder to look at YOU and smile and converse as “friends” when all I want to do is hold your hand and hug you tight. The sight of her in the edges of my vision, present with you always makes me want to turn around, hold my heart tight and go away away away hoping that if you’re out of sight, you’ll be out of mind too.

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8 thoughts on “Pinpricks

  1. You have NO idea how much I relate to this. It hurts. It hurts so so much. Thank you for writing this – I needed to know I’m not alone here, when it feels like my heart’s being stung over and over.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not going to say that I have been in such exact situation, but I was in similar shoes. And I know the pain and it hurts.

    You have captured the emotion quite well.

    Like

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