The Journal

My first relationship, which was so very short

This has turned into a very long post, get ready.


If you’ve been following me on twitter for a while, you might have seen a few tweets of mine talking about it. It was short. It began on a high and ended like a full stop in the middle of a sentence. I also talked about this in my last blog post a bit.

I realise that I gave the link of this blog to a few friends in college and they might read this, but I have to say all of this. This is a completely personal post guys. No entertainment stuff, this once. I know I don’t post personal posts much but I had to talk about this, and after all, I never stuck this blog to a theme anyway. Here goes.

 

I met this guy (we shall call him AD) end of July and in the beginning of August we said I like you to each other and went on a date and stuff.

I’m writing this on September 5th, the night before my first internal tests start in college. I’m supposed to be studying hard right now because I’ve hardly studied for this test tomorrow and it’s the most difficult subject of this semester. But I’m sitting and typing this.

We broke up yesterday.

One month and three days after we said I like you to each other. Less than a month since we started dating.

It was going pretty fine until 3rd. Although around then I wasn’t sure anymore if we fit together. We’re completely different, in almost all ways. It was sometimes hard to find things to talk about. But we liked each other. But I wasn’t sure. I spoke to a couple friends and told them my doubts about this relationship and that I couldn’t see where this was going and I couldn’t really picture a future. I tried and I somehow couldn’t see us a few months later. I wondered if we rushed into this and should have gotten to know each other more first.

I wasn’t sure how to bring it up but yesterday, he brought it up. We each confessed that we couldn’t see this going anywhere and it just didn’t seem right, like, we’re not meant for each other. In the end, we decided that we’d remain friends because we are good friends. It’s just not more than that, maybe. He said he loved me in the beginning but now he didn’t know. I said I like him. He said that two people in love be in a relationship. I’m someone who didn’t believe in true romantic love until last year. I develop feelings slowly. I said love doesn’t happen this fast. (Totally different outlooks, see?)

The thing that makes me sad, is that it was a short relationship, and an even shorter break up. Legit, that conversation could fit in four screenshots. That’s it.

We were pretty calm and we had the same idea. It was the most diplomatic/civil break up ever. I was honestly relieved he brought it up. We parted friends.

This actually was happening when my mom was sitting next to me (Indian household, my family didn’t know I was in a relationship) and I couldn’t even show proper expressions or reactions. After the conversation was over, I went to the bathroom and just breathed in front of the mirror.

I was relieved, yes. Was I sad? I didn’t know.

My best friend Hem, who is basically my life, came online after I texted her and I told this to her. We spoke.. she inferred that I was fine and calm and not sad or hysterical. She said it was best that we spoke and prevented a messy relationship and ending later on. What she said was right. AD said that he wanted to clear things up now itself because he didn’t want to hurt me later on. He apologised if he hurt me but it would have just been more later. I told him not to worry and that I’m glad he brought it up.

I was fine. I was. I only had this disappointment that it lasted for less time and I actually like him enough to go out with him. I’ve been asked out before, but I never said yes.

I also realised that AD and I didn’t talk all that much like I expect couples would. In fact, yesterday we didn’t speak the whole day before “the convo” except good morning texts. While yesterday night, I spoke to my best friend DJ for two and a half hours and we only stopped because it was 1am and my parents scolded me as my voice was echoing through the house. DJ is just my best friend but that is how it’s supposed to be in relationships, right? I honestly have no idea even though I’ve read so many books. I’m so clueless.

The thing is, AD has been in a relationship before and I also felt slightly inferior as I didn’t know anything about being in a relationship. I also felt awkward to ask him “how are we supposed to be”. No one asks that, right? I was continually confused and wondered if our relationship was fine and how it’s for everyone.

Maybe I thought about this last before I slept because I had a dream next morning and AD and I were still together and happy in that. I woke up. I felt sad.

That sadness finally hit me. As I would, I texted Hem whatever I felt and whatever came to mind. I might have also shed some tears. Talking to Hem always makes me feel better. She says talking to me heals her. If we were bisexual or homosexual, I bet we’d get married. Unfortunately, we’re straight. But we’re soul mates ❤

Back to the point, that’s the gist of how I feel and I was pretty sad until afternoon. Then I went out and met DJ as he came back home from college for a couple days and we had to meet, being best friends. I felt fine from then. But yeah, that’s me.

I’m sorta sad, but not that much. I know I’ll be fine. But until then, seeing him will be a little difficult.

I looked at his pictures on my phone at least twice now. When I was forwarding some emails with college material to friends, I searched his name in the college list too. I searched twice, just to see his name. I felt sad. I hit enter, the compose box came up. I stared at it for a couple seconds and closed it. I guess it’s just the feeling of what could have been that makes me sad.

And now it’s 9:10pm. I hardly know anything in Elements of Electrical Engineering. I need to go study.

I also have his bracelet, I need to give it back to him. That’s going to be awkward. I saw the bracelet when I opened my accessories drawer and just looked at it for two minutes. A bit sad then too.

But, I’ll be fine. I’m not someone who falls in love or gets way too attached soon anyway. I’m also good at friendzoning guys who like me (done it twice before). I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. It’ll all be fine. I just gotta give it a few days.

If you stuck through till here, you’re the best! I know this post is hardly structured and fully personal. Thank you for reading 🙂

K bye now. I gotta study *inwardly cries in desperation*

 

Update:

It’s 8th sep now. I really wanted to write more and get it all out but I had tests, as you know. After the ELE test I mentioned above, we had two tests a day for the last two days. Therefore, I couldn’t even open my laptop, let alone blog. It was hectic but not as over-whelming as I thought it would be. My ELE went fine, in case you’re wondering from all the ranting I did.

Now, how am I feeling?

Fine.

I was missing him a bit yesterday but maybe that was because I saw him in college and stuff. Now that we’re “friends”, we talk normally and somehow we didn’t even have an “awkward” stage. We talk fine and normally like friends do. Should I be relieved? I don’t know.

So, yeah. I think I’m moving on. I think he’s moving on. We hardly formed a connection and so, it’ll be easy to let go. I have mood swings and suddenly feel jealous of him hanging around with others or that he isn’t next to me but other times, I’m cool. And my friends are really cool and supportive in college. Two of them actually took me aside yesterday and asked if I was alright and stuff. AD and I didn’t openly say that we broke up, he told a couple people, but others caught on or noticed. I’m not really regretting the last month because I’m not really hurt or heartbroken, so it’s just as if the last month was a dream and I’m back to the me I was before.

So, yeah. That’s it.

Also, bombshell, I think he’s dating again. Already.

I saw them together today.. and they were pretty much like we used to be and in the same damn spot and I wasn’t sure what I saw and was totally blank and confused. My friends led me aside and from their behavior I confirmed that this was also why those two friends took me aside yesterday and spoke to me. I was so mad on the way home in bus. I discretely cried a bit but after that I was just MAD. So pissed. I cursed him a lot. I had to bite my arm discretely so I wouldn’t scream in the bus right there in front of everyone. It’s not even been a WEEK. A couple of my friends noticed that I looked so off. Later when the bus was almost empty, one friend (she is also in my bestie squad from school) asked me and I told her. I had to repeat four times for her to actually get it. She first asked me if he was dating me and why I phrased it like that. THEN, when she finally got it, she was so shocked. She was there with me and AD yesterday! He was totally normal and it was almost like how we used to be when dating, sitting next to each other while with friends. He also put a earbud in my ear to make me listen to a song he was listening to. It was a song that shared with him and…

I came home and spoke to one of those two friends, and C (let’s call her that) replied that she herself didn’t know. They had planned to corner AD and interrogate him as they saw him and that girl for the first time yesterday together like they were together. She said they couldn’t do it yet as we didn’t even see AD till the end of day.

Can I just—no.

A friend who I sit with in class and the first one I told about this to today in bus told me I had two choices: either to completely ignore him or to clear it up with him. I think I’ll take up the former. I’m pretty sure if I talk to him, I’ll burst. And it’ll become way bigger than required and no one wants that. He and I also have the same group of friends so that’ll be awkward, and I don’t want to put them in a position to choose sides. I’m completely cutting him off. I haven’t given his bracelet back yet as I kept forgetting to. I think I’ll just hand it to a friend and tell them to pass it on to him. I don’t think I can see him face-to-face and stay straight-faced.

I’m still slightly dumbfounded at the fact that all of this happened in such a short span. Wow.

Yeah, relationships are not my thing.

No thanks.

I’ll just go back to being how I was and put on a gas mask when there’s love in the air.

 

I know this post is totally unstructured and unedited. Thanks for bearing with me.

P.S. can I talk about how much I love Hem again because she’s all like “let’s meet up tomorrow and curse him together” lol

 

Update

September 11th afternoon.

I don’t know if I should be glad that I scheduled this post a week later (today evening for me) which allows me to keep updating and let y’all know what happens at once, or pity you that you have to read through so much. The day after the rant above, I was okay. My day went average and I didn’t cry or spend time only thinking about it.

Anyway, to the next update.

I went to my first party yesterday! It was a fresher’s party for all the freshman of college this year. The party has people from two colleges and there was another party elsewhere too. The one that I went to was really good! I loved it.

I’m a music person and a dance person but I don’t do either well. Plus, I don’t usually dance in front of others or put music on loud speakers. But this was a party, and none of that mattered! I danced a lot, jumped, shouted, smiled and danced more. I got all sweaty and my hair looked ugly but who cared. Not me.

AD was there too with our friends (not all went to the party since there was college during the time) and after a couple seconds of hesitation, I gave him a side hug.

Throughout the party, I just danced with many of my friends, our group and others likewise. I didn’t care about the break up or anything and neither did he, so for a few hours we danced together like nothing changed. Sure, it wasn’t all the time but we danced together a lot. We also took a few selfies together, and the group photos, of course. A couple of my friends thought we got back together, actually, because we were so chill. Later, I told them it wasn’t the case and also about my suspicions about the other girl. One guy replied that he and C get really annoyed when that girl is with AD everywhere nowadays, especially C. This was new news for me.

I danced so much, I became so tired, and it was so so so fun. The music ❤ A few times I only moved my feet slowly, closed my eyes and just felt the music all around me. I loved it.

After, we all went out to have some food and left for home.

Fast forward to today.

My friends (who didn’t come for the party) saw the pictures and commented how we looked good together. The earlier mentioned bestie from school said that we look so good together and have that chemistry and just fit but she also couldn’t tell me to get back with him as she knows. She said a couple times that she’s not liking this and this is so stupid. Oh well.

Yeah, I might have looked around for him in the party a few times to know where he is. Yeah, I still do kinda like him. But it’s over, and done. AD and I didn’t speak anything about our feelings or the past. Nothing. We just danced and we’re still at the same point.

C didn’t come to the party either but saw the pictures through friends’ phones and became so confused. Today, during the short break, when I went up to our spot, I saw him first speaking to some people I couldn’t see but my friends weren’t around so I figured he was with her. I turned around and would have left if C didn’t call my name, they were standing a little inside, that’s why I couldn’t see them.

And yeah, he was with her. I wasn’t all that surprised. C pulled me aside and asked to tell her everything and what the hell is going on. I told her the basics, that we didn’t care for a few hours, just danced and that’s it; now he’s back with her, I guess. (They aren’t official or anything, but if it is so soon, I wouldn’t be caught off guard) C just asks me if I’m alright, I say I’m fine and that I had a lot of fun yesterday and that’s it. I had given her his bracelet yesterday so she could pass it on and she told me she gave it before I came, I said fine.

Although I’m not exactly sad, it does give a small jab, seeing him with her. About 10 minutes later I said that I have to go back to class early for something and rushed off. Awkward feelings.

And I’m home now, and fine. I bet if I go back and count how many times I’ve said “I’m fine” in this post, I’m sure it would be a huge number. But, that’s all I can say. I’m not heartbroken or devastated, I’m not amazing or great—I’m just fine.

Thanks for reading through, and I’ll get back to the usual theme of posts from next.

Bye for now 🙂

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10 thoughts on “My first relationship, which was so very short

  1. I am proud of you, and here’s why:
    You posted about this, even when some real life people know about this blog. You let us read it, and poured out your emotions. You have dealtwith this SO well – it’s understandable to be sad, no matter the length of the relationship. For me, it was always the sadness of losing that possibility, having it snatched out of reach. All the things that could have been that aren’t any more. I’m proud of you because you’re dealing with your emotions, and talking about them. No matter what you post, we’re always here to listen xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. First of all, you were NOT boring me or anyone with this post. And don’t apologize that it was so long. How else would we know what had happened? So you liked each other, but it didn’t work out because you two were too different. Is that it? Like I don’t understand why exactly it fell apart. I feel your pain. I really do.

    This sounds devastating, but it looks like you fell harder for him than he did for you. You put all of your trust in him. Because of that, you feel betrayed and hurt. And probably, subconsciously, you’re shocked as to how he bounced back so quickly. And I think it might be because he’s been in relationships before. This was your first love. The first love is always the strongest. There also seems to be some unresolved issues that could be adding to your pain.

    OR, maybe he still hasn’t gotten over it. So he misses the feeling of a relationship. So that girl could be a “rebound.” Some people don’t know how to deal, so to squash away the pain, they jump in a relationship with someone else even before they’ve healed. Obviously, this isn’t good for both, and it could mean the relationship won’t last long. Who knows.

    I know this may be hard, but I really do think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel and discuss the issue so you can clear things up rather than burying it inside of you. If that sounds too difficult, you could ask a friend or two for extra support and to help you out and act as a mediator between the two of you. I say this because you have distanced yourself for a bit…or from what I read. I had some issues too, and when I talked about them with that person, I felt a lot better. Like a weight had been lifted, and I could breathe again. I would like for you to feel the same way. I’m sure he can give an explanation as to what he’s doing. I don’t think he realizes or understands how his actions are affecting you.

    It’s okay to feel hurt. Break-ups no matter how long or short, they’re hard. It feels like you’re dying. Or at least that’s how I felt. Like you gave a piece of yourself, and you’re not whole. So, do whatever it takes to heal. Love is scary. It makes you vulnerable. But all in all, love is great…when it works.

    As I say it, “there is a reason for all of those love songs.” Please don’t give up on relationships, yet. You have a whole life ahead of you. There will be someone who will values you through and through.

    I hope that helps you, and I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how the “talk” goes. I’m here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for that 🙂
      I’m this person who usually buries things inside and pretends as if I’m happy and it’s not good, I understand now. The thing is, I also hate confrontation and what if I say I want him back and he doesn’t? I’m so not sure. I’m afraid of rejection. The thing is, I thought he was the more serious of us two, and seeing him bounce back hurts.
      I should have that talk. Hopefully, I’ll get the courage to it. I’ll talk to a couple friends and ask them to talk to him first, and then I’ll talk maybe.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re most welcome. Yeah, burying your feelings away doesn’t help. Accepting the feelings and doing something it does.

        I understand you feel that way. You want to protect yourself from any future hurt. That’s normal. But, you don’t have to mention that you want him back. You can ask him how he feels about it, and if he says no, you can just end it there. You don’t have to bring up that you wanted more.

        Right. But you know, maybe he wasn’t all that serious? Just because someone has more experience in relationships doesn’t always mean they’re serious. So it could be a misunderstanding on your part.

        Yes, I wish you do. Well, you don’t have to be alone when you have the talk. You can ask your friends to accompany you for extra support.

        It should go fine. Really, most of your fears don’t come true. I wouldn’t be surprised of the talk went completely how you didn’t expect it to go.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And it’s not true he “bounced back.” We don’t know how he truly feels. That girl could just be a rebound. Some people don’t do too well being single. He could be burying his feelings too. You never know.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Honestly, I’m not sure why we fell apart either. Then, I thought it was because we are so different but we worked. And we had the same taste in music, at least. That brought us closer. I don’t know.. I guess now it’s all misunderstandings and assumptions between us

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s so good that you talked about this and handled this in a mature way. Breakups are SO hard, but you are so strong and you will get through it. We’re always here to listen to you if you need to vent, remember that.

    Liked by 2 people

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