Hey you guys! You know, I always feel weird saying “guys” and I immediately hope in my mind that the gals don’t mind. Gals, haha. Was that funny? No? I’m losing my mind.
Let’s start again: Helllllooooo! Okay now I’m ruining it.
Are any of you the only child of your parents? Do you ever feel like something’s missing, feel lonely and want for a sibling?
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a sibling, craved for a sister or a brother. Sadly, I’m still the only child.
Today, while walking back from the market, I was telling my mum about the cute little twins I saw with seemingly endless amount of energy. Then she starts talking about the bond between twins and their closeness, especially during the first few years. Somehow, we also started talking about certain problems of lack of nutrition to twins/triplets/more in the womb. While rambling on, mum morphs into sentences saying, “that’s why you feel alone a lot. Since the other one miscarriaged and is not with you, you crave for the sibling you were supposed to have. I thought it was only you, I didn’t know about the other one.” She continued speaking, like she’s mentioned this fact before which SHE HAD NOT, and I’m just walking beside her stunned for minute and not able to respond.
I interrupt her and go,”WHAT OTHER ONE?” I knew about the miscarriage she had when I was five (I’ll come to that later) but she did not sound like she was referring to that. She looks at me in a matter-of-fact manner and replies, “your twin.”
I was shocked, I have never heard of this before and I tell her so. She says that I must have forgotten but I’m pretty sure I didn’t because I WOULDN’T. I COULDN’T. I remember when I found out about the younger sibling I was supposed to have (my mum didn’t tell me till I was 12) and I cried. I sobbed during the games period in school because I really wanted (want) a sibling and hearing everyone else speaking or complaining over their siblings rubbed salt over the wound (is this proverb applicable here? I think so). I grieved for the younger brother I was going to have/would have had. I don’t think I would have forgotten about a twin!
I knew that my mum is too old for another kid, knew that since I was around 8, I think. I had made peace (barely) with the fact that I may never have a sibling. At twelve, I cried and made peace again. Now, it’s surfaced again.
I think about all those nights I cried myself to sleep, wished for someone to share the burden with. Everytime my parents yelled and fought, I wished I had someone else to think of, someone who knew how I felt, maybe make sure they’re not affected by it (if they’re younger) so I wouldn’t have time to be sad about it so much. I am selfish to wish for someone else to go through the same, I know, but I can’t help it.
I suspect that my mum was (is) a bit relieved, too, though. How much ever she herself wanted another baby, having another child to take care of when you and your partner don’t get along would be another disaster. I guess that’s what also stopped her from even considering adoption. How was she going to manage two when her even one child didn’t receive much attention?
Many times though, it isn’t even like she HAS a child to take care of because I stopped leaning on her and dad emotionally pretty soon. Since, maybe tenth grade, I’ve been the one giving her moral support and being a listening ear without expecting the same in return. I’m the one who wakes her up from the sofa where she falls asleep watching TV and tucks her into bed almost every night.
I think she said a few more sentences like, “you feel some part of you is missing”, “bond between twins” and somethings more without realising what was going through in my head and heart. I pretty much spaced out after she said I was supposed to be twin.
So, yeah. Now I’m silently grieving for my twin, for my younger brother, and for the person I might have been.
I’m sorry for this depressing, unstructured, basically rambling post, but I really had to get the words out. I’ll be back with some weird (maybe pointless) post which I think is funny next time. Hopefully.